Thursday, December 02, 2004

Worry, Worry, Worry

One of the techniques in the Stress Management books is to write down your worries. It's based in the old belief that naming a thing gives you power over that thing. Like most old beliefs, it's got a good deal of truth in it. So that's what this entry is about. Skip it if you're not interested.

I worry about money. This is the big one, and certainly everyone has it. My job is paying in experience and the promise of a paychek when we're in the black right now, so I'm getting by on help from my parents. So I worry about spending more of their money than I should, and I worry that when the job comes through, the money I start getting won't be enough. I worry about managing my finances, and about bank fees. I worry about how much taxes are going to cut into my budget when I have to start paying them. A lot of my other worries tie into this one somehow.

I worry about the job. In addition to the money worries, I worry that I'll turn out not to be good enough, that I'll end up with a position and duties that won't satisfy me, and occasionally I worry that it will just up and disappear.

I worry about making it in New York. Or rather, I worry about not making it. I worry about having to move back in with my folks and start the whole job search process all over again, this time with added baggage of having failed at it once before. I worry about having to settle for a much less rewarding career in a much less interesting place.

I worry about my writing. I worry about failing as a writer, either by not maintaining my discipline, by not being able to write anything good, or by not writing anything an editor would want to buy. I worry about turning 40 and realizing my dream slipped away.

I worry about food. I worry about eating right, about eating enough, and about eating on a budget. I worry about not being able to manage all three. I worry about the effects losing control of any one of them could have.

I worry about my health. I worry about being able to pay for medication (I'm on prescription meds.) I worry about not being able to afford seeing a doctor when I need to. I worry about the effects not seeing a doctor when I can't afford to but need to could have. I worry about not getting enough exercise. I worry about dying young.

I worry about my personal life. I worry about cutting myself off from people and not making friends, but I also worry about forcing myself into social situations that aren't right for me. I worry about not finding someone to love, and to love me. I worry about dying alone.

I worry about family. I worry about my brother's job situation, my grandparents' health, and my parents in general.

I worry about the weather. I worry that the heating or air conditioning won't work when I need it to, and how that will affect my mood and my health.

And, of course, I now that I'm acknowledging all this, I worry about worrying. I worry about all the bad things I'm doing to myself. I worry about spending all my time worrying instead of coming up with solutions. I worry that worrying too much will cause any of the above things to happen.

That's all for now.

1 comment:

Jane Vincent said...

all better