Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Parents Just Don't Understand

I love my folks, I really do. They're the best thing that ever happened to me. But I don't know if I can trust their advice.

On the issue of the pill, they see only the good. And it's right that they do; it fixed the problem, took away what may have been the greatest anxiety of their lives. The idea that it may cause a problem just as horrible to me, if not more so, they can't even contemplate. And I don't want them to. I remember the fear and worry in their eyes during the bad times. I'd be a villain to bring that back to them.

In regards to my creativity, their eyes are veiled by love. Parents are often the worst judges of their children's talents. If there is a deficiency, they wouldn't see it in a million years. And thus they cannot help me cope with a worry they can't even accept.

And we're so fundamentally different in sucha crucial way: They have faith. They're disposed to it in a way that I'm not. They can make themselves believe that things will work out for the best, that no one is ever given more challenges than they can overcome. And this I envy them, because I look at the world and see things that don't work out for the best, and people beset by challenges they can't overcome. I can't make faith punch through the cold statistical reality.

Consider these three posts a triptych of the dark corners of my mind. These are feelings and thoughts I want to change. I'm going to get help for them. I pray there's a light at the end of this tunnel. I pray that I have time to reach it.

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