I Was A Teenage Nerd: To All The Girls I've Liked Before (Week of Lovin', Day 5)

This one is late because I wanted to get it just right. I guess this means should no longer rag on David Finch, Bryan Hitch, John Cassaday, etc. for doing the same. Not that I won’t, just that I shouldn’t.

With the exception of Wednesday’s entry, the Week of Lovin’ has focused on Geek Love. To follow in that trend in this entry has daunted me; it would fly to close to a violation of one of the cardinal rules of writing: “Write what you know.” Actually, the whole rule is “Write what you know and fake the rest,” but the ratio here is too heavy on faking for my comfort. I’d like to share a wonderful, or even not-so-wonderful, story of geek love, but I haven’t had the pleasure of that experience yet.

I considered asking friends for “True Tales of Geek Love,” but by then I had a two-day window, and didn’t want to put that kind of deadline pressure on them. You have to remember, I’m the non-confrontational type. Most of the time.

So I was stuck. I absolutely didn’t want to do something maudlin, but at the same time, the only topic I could come up with was the very definition of the word: How being a geek adversely affected my relationship abilities. And I’ve done that entry already, to boot. So, no go there.

Then I remembered there’s one thing that makes everything better: song parody. So, with due apologies to Mssrs. Nelson & Iglesias, my rendition of “To All The Girls I’ve Liked Before.*” Specifically, between the ages of 14 and 21.

To all the girls I've liked before
But never knew I did adore
I never said a thing
Wish I had had a fling
With all the girls I’ve liked before

From Kate, to whom I never talked
To Amy, whom I kind of stalked
I blew ‘most every chance
To ever get a dance
With all the girls I've liked before

Love was a game I was forgoing
‘Cause every time I tried to play
My fear of failure started showing
And so I never found a lay

Bridgette with the enormous rack
Who was a nymphomaniac
From her arms I did flee
What the hell was wrong with me?
She was a girl I've liked before
Molly, I almost tried to kiss
Leila, her signals I did miss
Jackie, Rachel and Sue
Know that you were a few
Of all the girls I've liked before

Love was a game I was forgoing
‘Cause every time I tried to play
My fear of failure started showing
And so I never found a lay

To all the girls I've liked before
But never knew I did adore
I was a real big schmuck
I should’ve tried to fuck
All of the girls I’ve liked before

To all the girls I've liked before
But never knew I did adore
I’m glad they came along
I dedicate this song
To all the girls I’ve liked before

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And occasionally for rhyming purposes.