Thursday, March 23, 2006

Yes, It's A Real Job: More Crap From Me

I had a good post planned out for this week's installment, but it ended up involving some research that's not done yet. So, instead, you get more stuff from my round file.

I'll say right up front that I wrote this when I was 19. It's a couple of scenes from a never-finished crossover between Deadpool and Sluggy Freelance. The whole thing would have been essentially 30 pages or so of pointless carnage perpetrated by 'Pool and Bun-Bun the Mini-Lop, with the Sluggy cast and Deadpool's sidekick Weasel trying to staunch the bleeding, figuratively and literally. However, around this same time I found out how to download porn off of the Internet, and history pretty much wrote itself at that point.

Deadpool vs. Sluggy Freelance: A Fairly Stupid Crossover
Page 1
PANEL 1: A page-wide shot of the Deadhut, holographic disguise on.

CAPTION: An ordinary street in San Francisco. An ordinary house. Very ordinary. Almost too ordinary, in fact. So ordinary that its ordinariness shouts in ordinary tones to the world, “I am ordinary.” As ordinary as…

CAPTION (2): (in a Deadpool color scheme) Hey! What is this, a friggin’ X-Men annual? Get to the point!

PANEL 2: Same as above.
CAPTION: Er, sorry. Anyway, as I was saying, an ordinary house. An ordinary house, which houses a very un-ordinary man. He is living chaos, knowing no master but the whims of his fragile psyche. Assassin by trade, madman by choice. Some call him a crazed killer. Some call him a visionary. Some call him…

PANEL 3: Same as above 2. (All 3 should be of equal height.)


Page 2

Full-page shot of the Deadhut’s living room. The furniture is all arranged oddly: bookcases on their sides, the couch hanging from the ceiling, a large number of potted plants; really, just as many obstacles for an elderly blind person as possible. From our POV we can see Al climbing into the room over the coffee table, which is (of course) positioned directly across the doorway. If possible, show, way in a corner, virtually impossible to reach, the TV set, on.

AL: (1) Dammit, Wade, what the hell did you do to the house?

AL: (2) Move every single piece of furniture while I was asleep?

Page 3

PANEL ONE: Shot of Wade, in civvies, in the kitchen, pouring milk on his cereal. He’s barely containing a gut-laugh. FX from off-panel, right, through the whole page, show that Al is bumping into various objects, and swearing.

WADE: Hey, Weas had a short-range teleporter he wanted me to test, and I always hated your sense of decorating style anyway.

PANEL TWO: Close-up of Wade spooning a grand helping of sugary goodness into his mouth.

WADE: Hey, Al, I got an idea: try to find the remote!

PANEL 3: Shot of Wade’s lap, under the table. The remote is in it.

WADE: (off-panel, above) Tell ya what: I’ll give you until the end of Cartoon Network’s 24 hour DragonBall Z marathon!

WADE (2): Hell, maybe that show’ll make sense to the blind…

PANEL 4: Another shot of Wade at the table.

FX (off-panel, left): (doorbell ringing)

WADE: Well, now, who could this be? A Girl Scout? An Amway salesman?

PANEL 5: Wade, triggering his image inducer to look like Al Bundy, as he walks to the front door.

WADE: A Sarah-Michelle-Gellar-gram from the boys at the Hellhouse?

PANEL 6: The front door of the Deadhut, from the inside. Wade/Al, in profile, as he pulls a very large gun from the umbrella stand left of the door.

WADE (singing): What a beautiful day in the neighborhood…

Page 4

PANEL 1: Profile shot of the front steps, from outside. About half the gun’s barrel can be seen from the doorway, as Wade empties the entire clip into the air.
PANEL 2: Multiple image of Wade’s head, poking out the door, looking around for the remains of his victim. No text.
PANEL 3: Static shot of Wade’s head. Big question mark above it. No text.
PANEL 4: Same as 3, but no question mark.
VOICE: (off-panel, below) Down here.
PANEL 5: Wade’s POV. We’re looking down at an elf, about 3 feet high, standing on a tattered WELCOME mat. He’s wearing MIB-style clothes. He’s not even singed.
WADE: (off-panel, above) Great shades of Keebler…
ELF: Wade Wilson?
ELF (2): I have a job for you.

Page 5

PANEL 1: Deadpool, in costume, at the table, eating his cereal. The elf is sitting across from him; half his head can be seen above the table line. Continued Al effects throughout, but muted, and only in panels where it’s appropriate.

DEADPOOL: So, elfy…

ELF: The name is Squishydodo.

DEADPOOL (2): …let me get this straight:

DEADPOOL (3): you want to hire me to kill a bunny rabbit?

PANEL 2: Profile shot of Squishy’s half of the table. We can see that he’s sitting on several phone books.

SQUISHY: This is no ordinary bunny, Mr. Wilson.

SQUISHY (2): Bun-Bun has been a menace to Santa’s operations for years.

PANEL 3: SQUISHY, pushing an envelope of photos in Wade’s direction.

SQUISHY: These photos should make the gravity of the situation quite clear.

PANEL 4: A black-and-white photo of an office, as if taken from a security camera. Happy, almost idyllic telemarketers going about their business. Deadpool’s thumb is in the lower right corner.

CAPTION (Squishy): “This was taken at a telemarketing firm in New Jersey, just before they called Bun-Bun at dinnertime.”

PANEL 5: Another surveillance photo. The same scene, but as if a tornado with a nuclear warhead has just run through it. Deadpool’s thumb again.

CAPTION: (Squishy) “This was taken fifteen minutes later.”

CAPTION (2): (Deadpool) “That’s one bad bunny.”

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